Thread
The "women initiate most divorces" discourse has a sort of childlike quality to it, like "my dad administers most punishments."
Ask yourself how you contributed to the divorce and why you were broken up with. 🧵
Ask yourself how you contributed to the divorce and why you were broken up with. 🧵
In most cases, a person being broken up with is at fault.
Often it is due to a moral transgression or major violation of expectations - you did something explicitly wrong.
But occasionally a "fault" in the sense that you started a sequence of events that led to the outcome.
Often it is due to a moral transgression or major violation of expectations - you did something explicitly wrong.
But occasionally a "fault" in the sense that you started a sequence of events that led to the outcome.
This is especially the case when the divorce isn't mutual. For example, when infidelity is discovered.
You didn't want to break up. You did something that repelled your partner enough to leave you.
You were wrong and you got dumped.
You didn't want to break up. You did something that repelled your partner enough to leave you.
You were wrong and you got dumped.
It's a fundamental trait of the unaccountable personality to look toward external reasons for things that occur in your life.
People like this don't see how their behaviors result in outcomes.
Everything is an event that happens "to" them and is the fault of others.
People like this don't see how their behaviors result in outcomes.
Everything is an event that happens "to" them and is the fault of others.
For example, blaming "hypergamy" for divorce.
You know the vast majority of women aren't trading up when they divorce you, right?
But if they were, ask yourself how your value declined enough for a 40 year old woman with kids to find a better mate.
You know the vast majority of women aren't trading up when they divorce you, right?
But if they were, ask yourself how your value declined enough for a 40 year old woman with kids to find a better mate.
That is what the "hypergamy" discourse basically says:
"Women leave me because I am extremely low value and they can do better."
This is as much a factor of you as a person, your behavior, etc. as it is of a partner deciding not to be with you.
"Women leave me because I am extremely low value and they can do better."
This is as much a factor of you as a person, your behavior, etc. as it is of a partner deciding not to be with you.
Have the 70% of men who have been broken up with tried doing what the 30% did, or the 60% that stay married?
What are they doing differently from the failed relationships?
Who gets divorced is not random.
What are they doing differently from the failed relationships?
Who gets divorced is not random.
The best evidence it's your fault:
The fact that divorce is heritable and the fact that past divorces predict future divorces.
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2923822/
The fact that divorce is heritable and the fact that past divorces predict future divorces.
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2923822/
Why does someone stay married for life while someone else goes through three marriages?
It isn't "women" (or "men") or "male/female nature."
It is individual differences in personality and behavior that make some people different from others.
It isn't "women" (or "men") or "male/female nature."
It is individual differences in personality and behavior that make some people different from others.
But let's say she cheated on you - it's legitimately her fault (in a moral sense).
Why/how did you come to pick a partner that is unfaithful? How are you different from men who made better choices?
Because selecting partners who cheat is also assortative and not random.
Why/how did you come to pick a partner that is unfaithful? How are you different from men who made better choices?
Because selecting partners who cheat is also assortative and not random.
This is related to: "Every girl/boy I have dated cheated on me."
At what point do you realize that you have a pattern of making bad decisions?
At what point do you realize that you have a pattern of making bad decisions?
Never in the "women initiate most divorces" discourse do I see empirical reasons why marriages end.
It's like there is this implicit belief that ending a relationship is bad, that it doesn't even matter why it ended, and that whoever initiates a breakup is wrong.
It's like there is this implicit belief that ending a relationship is bad, that it doesn't even matter why it ended, and that whoever initiates a breakup is wrong.
Men are overrepresented in reasons cited for divorce: infidelity, violence, drug use. Men are the breadwinners and economic decline is another reason.
Men are literally at "fault" more than women are.
Men are literally at "fault" more than women are.
Men are about twice as likely to cheat:
If infidelity accounts for 25% of divorces (as high as 50% in some research), why wouldn't women divorce men more?
ifstudies.org/blog/who-cheats-more-the-demographics-of-cheating-in-america
If infidelity accounts for 25% of divorces (as high as 50% in some research), why wouldn't women divorce men more?
ifstudies.org/blog/who-cheats-more-the-demographics-of-cheating-in-america
Men are many times more likely to have substance abuse issues.
If this contributes to 10-20% of divorces, why wouldn't women initiate more divorces?
nida.nih.gov/publications/research-reports/substance-use-in-women/sex-gender-differences-in-substance...
If this contributes to 10-20% of divorces, why wouldn't women initiate more divorces?
nida.nih.gov/publications/research-reports/substance-use-in-women/sex-gender-differences-in-substance...
And you can go down the list of reasons for divorce - most have a gender asymmetry.
If men commit these transgressions more, why wouldn't women break up with men more?
If men commit these transgressions more, why wouldn't women break up with men more?
You might say: "I don't believe men do those things more."
Fine - so what is wrong with you (or men in general) that you are staying with a woman despite those serious transgressions?
Being unwilling to leave someone who treats you badly is not a virtue.
Fine - so what is wrong with you (or men in general) that you are staying with a woman despite those serious transgressions?
Being unwilling to leave someone who treats you badly is not a virtue.
Part of the problem with this is also viewing divorce as an absolute bad, rather than the best of a set of options.
Look at the reasons for divorce again - a lot of people are massively dysfunctional on their relationships.
Divorce for many of them may be the best option.
Look at the reasons for divorce again - a lot of people are massively dysfunctional on their relationships.
Divorce for many of them may be the best option.
These problems historically existed in relationships by the way, regardless of what divorce rates were.
It was never a virtue of marriage to be married to someone you didn't love, abused you, cheated, etc.
Low divorce rates were never metric of successful relationships.
It was never a virtue of marriage to be married to someone you didn't love, abused you, cheated, etc.
Low divorce rates were never metric of successful relationships.
People spending their entire lives with someone who repels them sexually or romantically, who makes them unhappy, etc. - this is no way to live.
And if you can't emotionally handle that a relationship might end you need to work on your emotional resilience.
A lot of you guys regurgitating "70% of women initiate divorces" are in your early 20s, single, and have never been married.
A lot of you guys regurgitating "70% of women initiate divorces" are in your early 20s, single, and have never been married.
You are fearful and inventing excuses to avoid dealing with a fact of human romantic relationships - they end. People fall out of love. They do bad things to each other.
And while you can reduce risk with sensible behavior, you cannot achieve certainty in a relationship outcome.
And while you can reduce risk with sensible behavior, you cannot achieve certainty in a relationship outcome.
