Thread by Aja Barber

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I actually do have a few thoughts about coffee lady situation. I genuinely think social media has gotten us to this miserable place where folks are tired of being happy for other people. It’s the impact of comparison culture while everyone pretends it doesn’t exist.
I understood a long time ago that social media could make me miserable. It started with the Facebook relationship status for me. I was single the majority of my twenties and I began to feel like I was being taunted by social media.
Feeling genuinely shit about social media urged me to take a three year break from social media and it really helped me to realize a few things about the nature of it and where bad feelings came from.
Not having the tools and resources to change my situation (job, living situation, love) really had me out here feeling like I was being taunted. I knew it was irrational but when life is in the pits watching other peoples endless “highlight reel” actually feels like an attack.
Influencer culture has really turned the highlight reel into the ultimate competition. You’re supposed to follow, constantly cheer for strangers to get good things, believe that they’re just like you, as life hands you nothing and seemingly hands some people everything.
And I do believe that the world LOVES to try and control the emotions of women. So if you have no opinion on someone else’s good news, you’re painted as “bitter” or “jealous” but honestly sometimes folks don’t have it in them to be happy for other people.

Can we normalize that?
I actually think there’s nothing wrong with not having the energy to be happy for everyone or even saving your happy energy for people you actually genuinely care about. Trying to spread genuine feelings of joy everywhere is exhausted but it’s sort of the expectation.
As someone with a platform I give you, random stranger complete permission to never perform joy on my behalf for my wins.

And the truth is I’ve noticed this all along so I’ve always been extremely measured about what I choose to share with the whole world.
I know that folks of marginalized genders are often forced to perform joy (let’s be honest, there is no expectation for cis men) and because I know it feels icky I REFUSE to ask that of my readership. Because maybe folks aren’t up for it. I mean it is a weird time to be alive.
But it really goes wrong when folks start piling on and projecting all sorts of shit for the wrong reasons. Some folks love using leftist rhetoric to be absolute dipshits on this app. I see it constantly. I began to notice years ago certain folks can twist anything to their will.
Instead of being a society where we’ve normalized feeling neutral about other people being happy, this app instead tells you, you HAVE to have an emotion and if it isn’t good, it must be bad. So quick make shit up bc you genuinely just don’t want to feel happy for this person.
There’s nothing wrong with not feeling happy for the coffee couple. I thought “that’s awesome, we should try that”, but if I didn’t have a partner and was having the same shit luck dating, I would think

“Why am I getting this self satisfied shit in my timeline?” Both are ok.
What’s NOT okay is projecting shit this person CLEARLY didn’t do onto them because society hasn’t given you the agency to say “I don’t have to feel happy for this person” and keep scrolling.

Normalize neutrality for other folks joy. It’s a gamechanger.
It’s weird friends, go out of your way to ruin someone for sharing something nice about their life. You also don’t have to feel happy for them. I swear no one will judge you for choosing the latter. I certain won’t least of all.
I’m going to continue to be really measured about the things I share about my life. We’re in a cost of living crisis and a lot of folks feel like they can’t win and I recognise that and see you and hope things get better for everyone ♥️
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