Thread by visa is doing final edits (98%) ✍🏾📖

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looking back, one of the major anxieties of my teens and most of my 20s was caused by this unhelpful, unhealthy belief that, if I had made mistakes, failed to meet my obligations, then I didn't deserve to have any fun or joy whatsoever until I sorted out all my shit
this set up a terrible conflict within myself. while I was conscientiously trying to beat myself up to become a better person, there was another part of me that was utterly convinced that things would *never* get better, so "fun visa" would hide in the shadows, like a guerilla
and whenever "taskmaster visa" got tired, sloppy, etc – which would inevitably happen, and I knew this from dealing with authorities (parents, teachers) "fun visa" would then be ruthless about seizing control and unhealthily binging the fuck out of whatever fun he could get
I see now that both of those guys were scared, anxious, weak. My poor babies. Nobody taught them any better. I (integrated visa? lol) had to bring both of them to the table, get them to hear each other out, realize we're all on the same team, and we don't have to catastrophize
it turns out that you don't have to work yourself to the bone to make amends, to get better – and trying to do that is ineffective, anyway! there's diminishing returns!! so you might as well do your best for 3-4 hours, and then rest, relax, literally set aside time to have fun
it then goes from being a grotesque internal civil war to becoming a sort of fun buddy cop / road-trip sort of situation. and it turns out that both guys can help each other out, and be stronger and more powerful as a team

do you have grand theories about how society should be run? well guess what, you are also a society! you can test those theories yourself, right now! you can *demonstrate* what it means for a society to be well-governed, well-integrated. show us how to act

that's what the 👑 motif is about, for me. it's not about power over others. nobody can have dominion over anything greater or lesser than oneself. it's about conducting oneself with grace and decency, about taking responsibility, refusing self-abandonment, self-abdication
after I went through the first cycle of this journey (looks like infinite loop), I found myself noticing when *other* guys are unintegrated, self-abdicated. and I felt this anxious compulsion to help them. took me another cycle to realize that me pressuring them made it worse
often the best thing we can do for anybody else who is struggling is to simply be a shining example of excellence ourselves. they will come to us when they want our help, when they are ready. pressure just introduces unhelpful anxiety, which makes us part of the problem
I apologize to anybody that I've ever been kinda pushy with in the replies. That's my own neediness and insecurity leaking. Part of why "I want everyone to be excellent" is "I want everyone to feel safe, secure, confident, powerful" – but the ends do not justify the means
hahahah yeah exactly

always a work in progress! always trying to do better! (except when I'm not! because a mf needs to rest sometimes! lmao! lol)
once again i have somehow written a thread about my book that is in some ways kind of better than the whole book

fun visa: hahaha ikr. i'm the best.

taskmaster visa: duuude we need to integrate this into the book itself

FV: lol. maybe

TV: pls

FV: if u make it fun

TV: deal
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