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A Wolf at the Table: A Memoir of My Father Hardcover – Deckle Edge, April 29, 2008
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“As a little boy, I had a dream that my father had taken me to the woods where there was a dead body. He buried it and told me I must never tell. It was the only thing we’d ever done together as father and son, and I promised not to tell. But unlike most dreams, the memory of this one never left me. And sometimes…I wasn’t altogether sure about one thing: was it just a dream?”
When Augusten Burroughs was small, his father was a shadowy presence in his life: a form on the stairs, a cough from the basement, a silent figure smoking a cigarette in the dark. As Augusten grew older, something sinister within his father began to unfurl. Something dark and secretive that could not be named.
Betrayal after shocking betrayal ensued, and Augusten’s childhood was over. The kind of father he wanted didn’t exist for him. This father was distant, aloof, uninterested…
And then the “games” began.
With A Wolf at the Table, Augusten Burroughs makes a quantum leap into untapped emotional terrain: the radical pendulum swing between love and hate, the unspeakably terrifying relationship between father and son. Told with scorching honesty and penetrating insight, it is a story for anyone who has ever longed for unconditional love from a parent. Though harrowing and brutal, A Wolf at the Table will ultimately leave you buoyed with the profound joy of simply being alive. It’s a memoir of stunning psychological cruelty and the redemptive power of hope.
- Print length256 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherSt. Martin's Press
- Publication dateApril 29, 2008
- Dimensions6.08 x 1.11 x 8.03 inches
- ISBN-100312342020
- ISBN-13978-0312342029
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Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Sitting in my high chair, I held a saltine cracker up to my eye and peered through one of the tiny holes, astonished that I could see so much through such a small opening. Everything on the other side of the kitchen seemed nearer when viewed through this little window.
The cracker was huge, larger than my hand. And through this pinprick hole I could see the world.
I brought the cracker to my lips, nibbled off the corners, and mashed the rest into a dry, salty dust. I clapped, enchanted.
The hem of my mother’s skirt. A wicker lantern that hangs from the ceiling, painting the walls with sliding, breathing shadows. A wooden spoon and the hollow knock as it strikes the interior of a simmering pot. My high chair’s cool metal tray and the backs of my legs stuck to the seat. My mother twisting the telephone cord around her fingers, my mouth on the cord, the deeply satisfying sensation of biting the tight, springy loops.
I was one and a half years old.
These fragments are all that remain of my early childhood. There are no words, just sounds: my mother’s breathy humming in my ear, her voice the most familiar thing to me, more known than my own hand. My hand still surprises me at all times; the lines and creases, the way the webbing between my fingers glows red if I hold up my hand to block the sun. My mother’s voice is my home and when I am surrounded by her sounds, I sleep.
The thickly slippery feel of my bottle’s rubber nipple inside my mouth. The shocking, sudden emptiness that fills me when it’s pulled away.
My first whole memory is this: I am on the floor. I am in a room. High above me is my crib, my homebox, my goodcage, but it’s up, up, up. High in the air, resting upon stilts. There is a door with a knob like a faceted glass jewel. I have never touched it but I reach for it every time I am lifted.
Above my head is a fist of brightness that stings my eyes. The brightness hangs from a black line.
I am wet-faced and shrieking. I am alone in the awake-pit with the terrible bright above my head. I need: my mother, my silky yellow blanket, to be lifted, to be placed back in my box. I am crying but my mother doesn’t come to pick me up and this makes me mad and afraid and mad again, so I cry harder.
On the other side of the door, he is laughing. He is my brother. He’s like me but he’s not me. We’re linked somehow and he’s home but he’s not home, like my mother and her voice.
Opposite this door against the wall, there is a dresser with drawers that my mother can open but I cannot, no matter how hard I pull. The scent of baby powder and Desitin stains the air near the dresser. These smells make me want to pee. I don’t want to be wet so I stand far away from the dresser.
This is my first whole memory—locked alone in my room with my brother on the other side of the door, laughing.
There is another memory, later. I am in the basement sitting on a mountain of clothing. The washer and dryer are living pets; friendly with rumbling bellies. My mother feeds them clothing. She is lifting away pieces of my mountain, placing them into the mouth of the washer. Gradually, my mountain becomes smaller until I can feel the cool of the cellar floor beneath me.
A form on the wooden stairs. The steps themselves smell sweet and I like to lick them but they are coarse and salty; they don’t taste as they smell and this always puzzles me and I lick again, to make sure. The thing on the stairs has no face, no voice. It descends, passes before me. I am silent, curious. I don’t know what it is but it lives here, too. It is like a shadow, but thick, somehow important. Sometimes it makes a loud noise and I cover my ears. And sometimes it goes away.
“Did my father live with us at the farmhouse in Hadley?”
I was in my twenties when I called my mother and asked this question. The farmhouse—white clapboard with black shutters and a slate roof—sat in a brief grassy pasture at the foot of a low mountain range. I could remember looking at it from the car, reaching my fingers out the window to pluck it from the field because it appeared so tiny. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t grab it, because it was just right there.
“Well, of course your father lived with us at the farmhouse. He was teaching at the university. Why would you ask that?”
“Because I can remember you, and I can remember my brother. And I can remember crawling around under the bushes at the red house next door.”
“You remember Mrs. Barstow’s bushes?” my mother asked in surprise. “But you weren’t even two years old.”
“I can remember. And the way the bushes felt, how they were very sharp. And there was a little path behind them, against the house. I could crawl under the branches and the dirt was so firm, it was like a floor.”
“I’m amazed that you can remember that far back,” she said. “Though, I myself can also remember certain things from when I was very little. Sometimes, I just stare at the wall and I’ll see Daddy strolling through his pecan orchard before he had to sell it. The way he would crack a nut in his bare hands, then toss those shells over his shoulder and wink like he was Cary Grant.”
“So he was there?” I pressed her.
“Was who where?” she said, distracted now. And I could picture her sitting at her small kitchen table, eyes trained on the river and the bridge above it that were just outside her window, the phone all but forgotten in her hand, the mouthpiece drifting away from her lips. “Yes, he was there.” And then her voice was clear and bright, as though she’d blinked and realized she was speaking on the phone. “So, you don’t remember your father there at all?”
“Just . . . no, not really. Just a little bit of something on the stairs leading to the basement with the washer and dryer and then this vague sense of him that kind of permeated everything.”
“Well, he was there,” she assured me.
I tried to recall something of him from that time; his face, his hands, his memorable flesh. But there was nothing. Trying to remember was like plowing snow, packing it into a bank. Dense whiteness.
I could remember the pasture in front of the house and standing among rows of corn as tall as trees. I could remember the smell of the sun on my arms and squatting down to select pebbles from the driveway.
I could remember how it felt to rise and rise and rise, higher than I’d ever gone before as my trembling legs continued to unfold and suddenly, I was standing and this astounded me and I burst out laughing from the pure joy of it. Just as I threatened to fall on my face, my leg swung forward and landed, and so fast it seemed to happen automatically, my other leg swung forward and I did it again—my first step!—before tumbling forward onto my outstretched hands.
But I could remember nothing of my father.
Until years later, and then I could not forget him no matter how hard I tried. Copyright © 2008 by Island Road, LLC. All rights reserved.
Product details
- Publisher : St. Martin's Press; First Edition (April 29, 2008)
- Language : English
- Hardcover : 256 pages
- ISBN-10 : 0312342020
- ISBN-13 : 978-0312342029
- Item Weight : 12.8 ounces
- Dimensions : 6.08 x 1.11 x 8.03 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #595,982 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #2,680 in Author Biographies
- #16,912 in Memoirs (Books)
- Customer Reviews:
About the author
Augusten Burroughs is the author of the autobiographical works "Running with Scissors," "Dry," "Magical Thinking," "Possible Side Effects" and "A Wolf at the Table," all of which were New York Times bestsellers. "Running with Scissors" remained on the New York Times bestseller list for over two consecutive years and was made into a Golden Globe-nominated film starring Annette Bening. His only novel, "Sellevision," is currently in development as a series for NBC. "Dry," Augusten's memoir of his alcoholism and recovery, is being developed by Showtime. In addition, Burroughs is currently creating an original prime-time series for CBS. Augusten's latest book is called "You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas."
Twice named to Entertainment Weekly's list of the funniest people in America, Augusten has also been the subject of a Vanity Fair cover story and a Jeopardy! answer. His books have made guest appearances in two James Patterson novels, one Linkin Park music video, numerous television shows and a porn movie.
Augusten has been a photographer since childhood and many of his images can be seen on his website, www.augusten.com. He lives in New York City.
Customer reviews
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Customers find the book easy to read and well-written. They appreciate the author's straightforward writing style and humor. The story is described as a moving, intense read that keeps them turning the pages. However, some readers feel the father's sense of cruelty towards both animals and humans is bizarre and disturbing. Opinions are mixed on the heartbreaking aspects of the story, with some finding it sad and disturbing while others consider it depressing.
AI-generated from the text of customer reviews
Customers find the book easy to read. They describe it as a masterful memoir and a beautiful novel. The details are thrilling and the book is captivating, making it an enjoyable read for psychology students.
"I am so excited to re-read this book. I gave this away a decade ago and I'm glad to have another copy...." Read more
"...was quite a different style of book for Augusten Burroughs, but it was really good...." Read more
"...amazing survivor, and his writing records everything--every smell, every taste, every sound, every sight. He appears to have a photographic memory...." Read more
"One of the top books I’ve read this year!" Read more
Customers enjoy the book's writing style. They find it poetic, straightforward, and readable. The author conveys emotions, experiences, and observations through his writing style. The story touches the soul and provokes the psyche for readers, making it personal for them.
"...It is very readable, very fast, and only 242 pages with lots of white space. It seemed bizarre to me at first, and it is multi-faceted...." Read more
"...that he was trying something different and thought his style of writing was poetic and beautiful...." Read more
"...are strong enough emotionally to handle a heartbreaking story, masterfully written, go ahead and let yourself experience part of the life of a boy..." Read more
"...Very well written (imo), it touches on several quite vivid memories in such recollection that it astounds me...." Read more
Customers enjoy the humor in the book. They find the author's writing style entertaining and humorous.
"...His keen irony about life, his ability to evoke laughter from circumstances that are truly beyond laughter, his ability to grab hold of a reader and..." Read more
"...I think he is hilarious, and a brilliant writer...." Read more
"...A good read for any dysfunctional family survivor, dark humor lover, smoker and non-smoker alike. 4 stars." Read more
"...He never fails as a writer, keeping his words entertaining and invigorating...." Read more
Customers find the book resiliency-focused. They describe Burroughs as strong, motivating, and an amazing survivor. The writing is detailed and honest, including details about smells.
"...Package came double wrapped and book is in excellent condition 👌..." Read more
"...Well, he manages to come out scarred, but whole. He's an amazing survivor, and his writing records everything--every smell, every taste, every sound..." Read more
"...But Burroughs is incredibly strong and truly motivating. Though I do wish Burroughs was so focused on himself...." Read more
"...The book came on time and in great condition from the seller. My daughter has enjoyed the book which was part of her school curriculum." Read more
Customers find the book's pacing engaging and motivating. They say it keeps them turning the pages and is intense, bringing emotions to the fore.
"...But Burroughs is incredibly strong and truly motivating. Though I do wish Burroughs was so focused on himself...." Read more
"...His writing is solid, often terse, and always captivating and intense, bringing the emotions and events of his life right into the room with the..." Read more
"...He never fails as a writer, keeping his words entertaining and invigorating...." Read more
"This was an easy read, it kept me turning the page. There was some overlap with Dry and Running with Scissors... this helped fill in the spaces." Read more
Customers have different experiences with the book. Some find it heartbreaking, sad, and disturbing, while others describe it as depressing, dull, and gloomy.
"...This was a very dark book, and did not have the normal humor that his other books have, as there was probably none to be found in the tumultuous..." Read more
"...Reading this book is one of the most engrossing, touching, and horrific stories I've ever read...." Read more
"...one scene in the middle of the book that was so horrific and heartbreaking that I couldn't stop crying and had to put the book down...." Read more
"This one gives us some insight on the cruelty that he only hinted at in his previous books...." Read more
Customers have different views on the book's comprehension. Some find it intuitive and easy to follow, helping them understand the characters better. Others feel the prose is tepid and the topic tedious, with no great insights or insights.
"...has a very straight forward writing style which has always been great to follow and this book is no exception...." Read more
"...The prose is tepid and the topic is rendered tedious and inert because Mr. Burroughs has already covered his childhood through many lens' this one..." Read more
"...It helped me understand him better and cleared many detailes of Running with Scissors...." Read more
"...It was an OK read but for me, there were no great insights and I certainly would not categorize it as "amazing"...." Read more
Customers find the father's sense of cruelty bizarre and secretive. They also mention that the father has a lack of humanity.
"...There isn't much of this, but cruelty towards both animals and humans and a fundamental lack of humanity in the father is horrible to witness...." Read more
"...The behavior of his father is so incredibly mean that it could only be pure evil or mental ilness. I still am not sure which. Doesnt matter now...." Read more
"...His fathers sense of cruelty is bizarre.and secretive." Read more
"...The book is rather hard to read, sometimes it's impossibly cruel and miserable but I advise to read it just to understand kids better...." Read more
Top reviews from the United States
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- Reviewed in the United States on November 13, 2024I am so excited to re-read this book. I gave this away a decade ago and I'm glad to have another copy. Package came double wrapped and book is in excellent condition 👌
- Reviewed in the United States on October 23, 2017This was quite a different style of book for Augusten Burroughs, but it was really good. It touched on parts of Running with Scissors and Dry, and helped to fill in the gaps and answer all the questions that I had about his dad. I feel like a lot of the reviews on the actual book made me expect a much more horrifying book than it actually was, but it was still very messed up. It just wasn't really a horror story like some reviews on the cover made it seem like it would be. This was a very dark book, and did not have the normal humor that his other books have, as there was probably none to be found in the tumultuous relationship he had with his father. This was a very personal memoir about the horrible relationship that Augusten had with his father. If you are a fan of Augusten Burroughs, then you will probably like this book. If you are unfamiliar with his books, this could be a good introduction to the others. I would highly recommend it.
- Reviewed in the United States on July 29, 2012In this so-called autobiographical book, the author describes his childhood perspective of his life with his parents. It is very readable, very fast, and only 242 pages with lots of white space. It seemed bizarre to me at first, and it is multi-faceted. After completing it, it strikes me as the typical story of a father from the days when men did not get involved in their children's day-to-day lives to any great degree other than to set the rules and limits and a son from the modern days of child indulgence. The child wanted lots more attention than he got and made lots of demands for "stuff" that he didn't get, like most kids. His parents argued, his pets died -- in those days, folks didn't spend $billions each year on pet care -- , his mother was depressed, like lots of people, his older brother picked on him. A lot of the book was ordinary, describing a kid's life, but the perspective was unique. As a child, he certainly had an unusually vivid imagination. It tells how un-ordinary an ordinary family really is. His writing style is very readable, so I might try one more of his books -- this was my first. If it's just more of the same, I'll probably quit after that.
- Reviewed in the United States on March 12, 2009First of all, let me say this: I adore Augusten Burroughs. I've read everything by him more than once. I knew going into this book that it was going to be different from his other books b/c I'd read some of the reviews. I'm not someone who is put off by darkness, in the least, so didn't think it would be a problem for me not having the humor of most of his books to counteract the sorrow. And it wasn't, I loved that he was trying something different and thought his style of writing was poetic and beautiful. In a way though I am not really qualified to give this book a review and I apologize that I am but I felt I needed too. The reason I say I might not be qualified is because I was unable to finish this book. That has NEVER happened to me before. I don't know if it was b/c I already "know" and love him so much that I was so affected & clearly it brought up things for me(I've had my own horrendous childhood which is why I repsond so much to his work)...but there was literally one scene in the middle of the book that was so horrific and heartbreaking that I couldn't stop crying and had to put the book down. (I won't say the scene b/c I don't want to spoil anything for anyone but since one reviewer already mentioned it, it involves one of the pets dying). That was mths ago & I haven't been able to bring myself to pick the book up again. Really it's a testament to his writing that I was so affected I'm sure. And I was tempted to just give the book 4 or 5 stars but since I didn't finish it, didn't feel right doing that either. So the purpose of my review is simply this...I assume many others who are drawn to his work also can relate in some way & have some version of their own difficult childhood. SO I just wanted to say, if you are REALLY sensitive(esp. to things involving animals which I am), just please be prepared before you read this to go to an extrmely dark place w/ him. & just to be clear, because it's dark doesn't make it any less beautiful. Maybe I will come back and write another review when I can actually make it through the rest of the book. :)
- Reviewed in the United States on September 30, 2011I was rather afraid of reading this book because I flinched at the physical abuse it might contain. There isn't much of this, but cruelty towards both animals and humans and a fundamental lack of humanity in the father is horrible to witness. And I say witness because Burroughs is an incredible writer and I could almost smell the evil coming from his poor excuse for a father. Yes, he was alcoholic, arthritic, and covered with psoriasis, but his utter disregard for the small son who loved him and wanted to be loved by him will break the heart of the most Scrooge-like among us.
You try to imagine how Augusten survives with a father like this, a mentally-ill mother, and an older brother, John Elder, who rarely appears but who tortured young Augusten when they lived together as brothers, a boy who suffers from Asperger's Syndrome, giving him little empathy for his fellow humans.
Well, he manages to come out scarred, but whole. He's an amazing survivor, and his writing records everything--every smell, every taste, every sound, every sight. He appears to have a photographic memory. His book will awaken your senses and keep you on edge all the way through. I read it in one sitting--like Running with Scissors, I couldn't put it down. Unlike Running with Scissors, there are no laughs in this book. But if you are strong enough emotionally to handle a heartbreaking story, masterfully written, go ahead and let yourself experience part of the life of a boy who grew up with utter insanity all around him and to his great relief, it didn't rub off--he's a decent, strong human being with an amazing ability to communicate and laugh.
Here's a hug for you Augusten Burroughs. May you love and be loved.
Top reviews from other countries
- ShannahReviewed in Canada on October 3, 2019
5.0 out of 5 stars Good overall
Needed it quick for school.
Good price. Good quality. Fast shipping
-
OihaneReviewed in Spain on June 7, 2017
4.0 out of 5 stars Un libro duro
Si esperas que este libro sea como otros que ha escrito, tales como Running With Scissors, Dry o Lust & Wonder olvídate de comprarlo porque no tiene absolutamente nada que ver. En los anteriores vemos a un Augusten irónico, divertido y con una vida un tanto límite, con este libro, en cambio, se muestra a un niño que por mucho que intente llamar la atención del padre, éste prefiere estar sentado viendo la televisión o simplemente, viendo la vida pasar.
Considero que es un libro interesante para conocer muchos de los problemas que posteriormente desarrollo Augusten.
- HappyfaceReviewed in the United Kingdom on November 30, 2013
5.0 out of 5 stars A Darker Burroughs
I first found Burroughs through Running with Scissors, which is laugh out loud funny. His early life is dysfunctional, and the subject matter is dark, but the characters are described in a way that makes it easy to swallow. So I felt like I knew boy Augusten a little bit, a smart mouthed kid who somehow rode the crest of the crazy people he lived with. And then I read Dry and some of his essays, and then I found this. And it is unutterably, beautifully, dreadfully, horribly sad. Augusten is a little boy prey to the Big Bad Wolf, who he loves, and who constantly rejects him and who, as the book progresses, becomes more malevolent and scary (without actually doing anything obviously, legally vile).
I have children, and I have to say I have been a little kinder since I read this book. It is told so well from the child's perspective, how being too tired, too old and too bored can seem to your kid. I wanted to fix it for Augusten in a way I didn't with the other books, and am only glad I read some of his essays to know that he seems to be OK now.
So to summarise, not a laugh a minute, but gripping and worth reading.
- mb parisReviewed in France on September 2, 2013
5.0 out of 5 stars Perfect condition
A light and easy read whether during your metro ride or before bedtime. Augusten Burroughs true to himself.
Enjoyed it....
- Robert SeedReviewed in Canada on January 6, 2017
3.0 out of 5 stars Three Stars
A very messed up family story told pretty well.