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How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide Paperback – September 17, 2019

4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 1,181 ratings

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From politics and religion to workplace negotiations, ace the high-stakes conversations in your life with this indispensable guide from a persuasion expert.

In our current political climate, it seems impossible to have a reasonable conversation with anyone who has a different opinion. Whether you're online, in a classroom, an office, a town hall—or just hoping to get through a family dinner with a stubborn relative—dialogue shuts down when perspectives clash. Heated debates often lead to insults and shaming, blocking any possibility of productive discourse. Everyone seems to be on a hair trigger.

In
How to Have Impossible Conversations, Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay guide you through the straightforward, practical, conversational techniques necessary for every successful conversationwhether the issue is climate change, religious faith, gender identity, race, poverty, immigration, or gun control. Boghossian and Lindsay teach the subtle art of instilling doubts and opening minds. They cover everything from learning the fundamentals for good conversations to achieving expert-level techniques to deal with hardliners and extremists. This book is the manual everyone needs to foster a climate of civility, connection, and empathy.

"This is a self-help book on how to argue effectively, conciliate, and gently persuade. The authors admit to getting it wrong in their own past conversations. One by one, I recognize the same mistakes in me. The world would be a better place if everyone read this book."  —Richard Dawkins, author of Science in the Soul and Outgrowing God
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Editorial Reviews

Review

"This is a self-help book on how to argue effectively, conciliate, gently persuade. The authors admit to getting it wrong in their own past conversations. One by one, I recognize the same mistakes in me. The world would be a better place if everyone read this book."―Richard Dawkins, author of Science in the Soul and Outgrowing God

"In a Free Republic there would be no 'impossible conversations', which begs the question: are we truly free anymore? After reading, listening and conversing with Peter and James, I am convinced that they are the Galileo's, I. Kant and even William Tynsdale of our time."―
Glenn Beck

"I thought I knew all I needed to know about conversations and arguments. I was wrong. I just knew a lot about debates and rows. In their insightful and highly readable new book, Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay offer all kinds of ingenious pathways to constructive dialogue. At a time when public discourse has degenerated into mud-slinging and when campuses favour every kind of diversity except viewpoint diversity, this is an invaluable contribution. I guarantee that reading it will make you more -- much more -- persuasive."―
Niall Ferguson, Milbank Family Senior Fellow, The Hoover Institution, Stanford

"In these polarized times, people live inside social media echo chambers of their own extremism, growing ever more self-righteous. This smart, scientifically grounded book, teeming with social and emotional wisdom, teaches how to break that isolation and effectively converse with someone with very different opinions. It will make you more adept at challenging, even changing, someone's beliefs, biases and sacred values. And it might even pave the way for making some of those changes yourself."―
Robert Sapolsky, John A. and Cynthia Fry Gunn Professor of Neurology and of Neurosurgery, Stanford University

"Drs. Boghossian and Lindsay offer critical advice regarding how to talk about contentious issues in today's political climate.
How to Have Impossible Conversations is a necessary guide to navigating disagreements -- and building bridges -- using approaches backed by evidence and science."―Debra W. Soh, Ph.D., science columnist and political commentator

"This fascinating book provides not only useful instruction on how to talk with someone who thinks differently, it also offers a powerful method of questioning and reducing confidence in unsubstantiated beliefs to help people think about what is true."―
Helen Pluckrose, Editor, Areo Magazine

"In the course of my work over the past quarter century I have been having impossible conversations with Holocaust deniers, creationists, anti-vaccination advocates, 9/11 Truthers, chemtrail conspiracy theorists, believers in astrology and ESP, proponents of alternative medicine, religious fundamentalists of many faiths, and dozens more people with whom I disagree vehemently. I've gotten pretty good at it but I had no idea what I was doing until I read
How to Have Impossible Conversations, a sterling compendium of the most effective techniques of communication. I wish I'd had this important book at the start of my career as I would have saved myself many a fruitless dialogue. This book is the start of healing our contentious and divided age."―Michael Shermer, Publisher Skeptic magazine, Presidential Fellow Chapman University, author of Why People Believe Weird Things, The Moral Arc, and Heavens on Earth, and for 18 years a monthly columnist for Scientific American

"We live in a time when discussing controversial issues, even with good friends, is becoming almost impossible. Peter and James have written an indispensable roadmap to prevent us from heading off the cliff."―
Dave Rubin, The Rubin Report

"We have arrived at an impasse. It is everywhere, and feels permanent. As algorithms steer our attention, we are each locked within a warren of echo chambers. Each day, this digital water we swim in causes a deepening entrenchment of our beliefs, and a growing willingness to caricature our opponents. When forced into contact with the other, we are repelled, indignant. How could anyone be so stupid? And we are shocked to discover the one thing that unites us with them is that they feel exactly the same way in return! It is not hard to spot the danger in this dynamic. It undermines the most basic logic of democracy, and threatens to derange the west, if not the world. But Boghossian and Lindsay have drawn up a plan to bridge the divide. They have bottled an antidote: A how to guide for talking to the enemy. Each drawing on decades of experience having impossible conversations, the authors have written what may be the ultimate instruction manual for crossing enemy lines and living to tell the tale. And not a moment too soon."―
Bret Weinstein, PhD

"There are two ways to participate in civil conversations in our hyper-politicized age -- build a time machine, or read this book."―
Marc Andreessen, General Partner, Andreessen Horowitz

"Everywhere that people gather and have a discussion -- every bar, cookout, and water cooler -- should have a copy of this book nearby. It might lower the temperature of our disagreements, and help us learn a few things from each other instead of just defending our own biases at the top of our lungs."―
Tom Nichols, author of The Death of Expertise

About the Author

Peter Boghossian is a full time faculty member in the philosophy department at Portland State University and an affiliated faculty member at Oregon Health Science University in the Division of General Internal Medicine. He is a national speaker for the Center of Inquiry and an international speaker for the Richard Dawkins Foundation for Reason and Science. He is the author of A Manual for Creating Atheists. He lives in Portland, Oregon.

James Lindsay holds degrees in physics and mathematics, with a doctorate in the latter. He has authored two previous books: Everybody is Wrong about God and Dot, Dot, Dot: Infinity Plus God Equals Folly. He lives in Knoxville, Tennessee.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Balance (September 17, 2019)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 272 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0738285323
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0738285320
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.95 x 0.95 x 8.95 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 1,181 ratings

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4.6 out of 5 stars
1,181 global ratings

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Customers say

Customers find the book provides useful techniques for having productive conversations with people with whom they disagree. They find it easy to read and entertaining, describing it as a quick, prescient read.

AI-generated from the text of customer reviews

39 customers mention "Value for money"37 positive2 negative

Customers find the book offers good techniques and useful advice for having productive conversations with people with whom you disagree. They appreciate the step-by-step skill building and insightful ways of dealing with heated conversations. The book is packed with wisdom and practical advice for talking about controversial and difficult topics. Readers mention it's a breath of fresh air and full of guidelines based on real life and impossible conversations.

"...someone of a point with which they disagree, but it focuses on collaboration in conversations rather than on disagreement...." Read more

"...The content is kept to a minimum. It is concise. The authors, while highly educated, use very accessible language. They use examples, which is key!..." Read more

"The step by step methodology of this work is helpful for both helping one to learn how to have productive conversations, especially when they are..." Read more

"...your job, the authors are hoping to bridge the divide and make a space for people to talk. I think this is massively important. "..." Read more

27 customers mention "Readability"27 positive0 negative

Customers find the book easy to read and engaging. They say it's well-written, clear, and concise. The book is a must-read in these divided times.

"...The authors, knowing this, wrote this book. If you want to have good, worthwhile, effective conversations with those who think differently from you..." Read more

"...How to Have Impossible Conversations" is well-written, clear, and to the point...." Read more

"...I came across this book, which is highly timely and a must read in the current divisive times." Read more

"...I think this is an important book and it's the first step in narrowing the wide gulf that has come between ourselves and people with whom we..." Read more

5 customers mention "Timeline"5 positive0 negative

Customers find the book timely and useful. They describe it as a quick read with prescient information.

"This is an incredibly important and timely book...." Read more

"...Overall, I am really pleased I came across this book, which is highly timely and a must read in the current divisive times." Read more

"Outstanding book and a quick read..." Read more

"Entertaining, prescient, and important..." Read more

Bought "New" but looks like it's been used from the cover's condition
4 out of 5 stars
Bought "New" but looks like it's been used from the cover's condition
This is purely commenting on the physical condition of the book, not on any of the writing. As you can see in the photos attached in my review, the paperback quality isn't that good although supposedly it's new. Clearly it was either poorly packaged or not new.For this reason I give 4 not 5.
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Top reviews from the United States

  • Reviewed in the United States on November 9, 2024
    This book is just what it says it is - a practical guide to having difficult conversations with people. The book appears to be written from the premise that you are trying to convince someone of a point with which they disagree, but it focuses on collaboration in conversations rather than on disagreement. Some of it is common sense, but it is nice to have it articulated in a way that frames it with other topics for having a polite and civil conversation. It is something that, if more people would read and practice what is in these pages, might help alleviate some of the division that we see today.
    One person found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on May 11, 2021
    I've never read a how to book in my life. And now I kind of regret that! This book has revolutionized one (or two!) important corners of my life. It comes out of the recent, extreme political tension in the U.S. While the country has been increasing its polarization for a while, I think it's most extreme point has been the last few years. This is both sad and dangerous. The authors, knowing this, wrote this book. If you want to have good, worthwhile, effective conversations with those who think differently from you (there's no point in talking to those who think the same as you!), then read this book! My personal opinion is that Americans have an obligation to save their country. And it starts between our houses chatting with our neighbors, at work with coworkers, and at home with crazy Uncles. Who carries the most weight with your friends and family? You! Avoiding them is like avoiding your duty. But how to do it? First, and most importantly, read this book!

    The first third of this book is basically how to have a relationship. Reading these chapters was a bit embarrassing for me. I could see that our collective problem in the United States is that we don't know how to have a relationship. It's like we're all children! And no, children can't rule countries (effectively). Most chapters end with an encouragement for you to practice the principles in that chapter before you move to the next chapter. Why? First, the principles are hard. It takes work and practice. But second, these principles build on each other. I've been trying them on my sweet father. So far, so good! And that's saying a lot!

    The content is kept to a minimum. It is concise. The authors, while highly educated, use very accessible language. They use examples, which is key! They include many actual conversations which illuminates the ideas. The content is well organized, taking you from introductory skills (which are actually the most important!) to the more advanced.

    The last two thirds of the book are about how to intervene in someone else's thinking. This may sound horrible or invasive, but if you read the first few chapters first, you'll have compassion, humility, kindness, gentleness, and other unnatural (but wonderful) things drilled into you before this point! (And they make sure to say in the later chapters that all of this depends on you actually understanding/incorporating the first few chapters.) Again, I was embarrassed reading these things! I should know to behave like this, but my default setting in a contentious conversation is combat and protecting my ego. Which is the worst possible mindset I can occupy! This book will revolutionize your thinking!

    The authors make it very clear that, as much as you may want to change someone else's thinking, you must be open to your thinking changing. They model it themselves! They record times where their thinking was changed! Seeing this humility was extremely helpful. These guys deserve a medal in human goodness. And I say that as a practicing Christian who is fully aware that both authors are outspoken atheists. They're good guys and this is content the U.S. needs now. Enjoy! Share it with friends! I've bought it for two friends and will likely buy it for more! And I will be referencing this book for years to come. Thank you Peter and James!
    43 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on April 22, 2021
    The step by step methodology of this work is helpful for both helping one to learn how to have productive conversations, especially when they are with those who have vastly different moral, religious, or political beliefs. The authors present the idea that conversations are to be viewed, idealistically, as partnerships. The authors seek to bring the reader into the world of epistemological presuppositions and linguistic nuances that often contribute to forming one's beliefs. These steps can be developed and utilized strategically to help one partake in beneficial, and educational, two-way conversations.

    The issue of presenting facts and “evangelizing” one's view of truth claims is cautioned in the book, although, perhaps with not enough explanation as to how the presentation of facts or evidence for ones belief is essentially “negative”, while being void of much explanation as to how one's “facts” could be positively asserted. This is notable since a goal of the authors is to present ways to help someone to respectably instill doubt in their conversation partners beliefs and help them to identify their own fallibility in holding to those beliefs that may be a barrier to genuine conversation and receptivity. But some facts and beliefs are oftentimes almost unavoidable and need to be asserted to achieve this goal in conversation. The authors do well to present a give and take approach to developing effective dialogues wherein.

    Overall, this book is a great practical guide that teaches some much needed skill sets for having difficult conversations with those who hold to very different moral, political, or religious beliefs. Furthermore, the message of the book could not come at a better time with the diversity of beliefs and freedom of speech coming under attack in Western society, especially at universities. Putting these strategies into practice will help one to not only learn how to better navigate the awkwardness of conversing with someone who believes very different beliefs, but this would also enable them to become a better conversation partner themselves.
    6 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

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  • Janet
    5.0 out of 5 stars One of the most valuable books of our time.
    Reviewed in Canada on December 1, 2022
    Clear. Informative. Highly relevant to our time. Guaranteed to make you think. This book teaches you how to conduct yourself in a way you can be proud of when dealing with people you disagree with. Help bridge the ever expanding divide between us all and get this book.
  • Debra Krall
    5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent reading for our times
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on June 1, 2023
    If you watch Peter Boghossian on YouTube you will wonder at his patience and unflappable demeanour in the face of outrageous opposition from the uninformed. It is a book very much needed in the current climate where careful listening skills are so very important , and how simplified evidential responses can work to calm your opponents.
  • Jurek Molnar
    5.0 out of 5 stars Lesenswert, unterhaltsam, nützlich und unedingt empfehlenswert
    Reviewed in Germany on October 28, 2019
    Ein unbedingt empfehlenswertes Buch, das eine längst überfällige Handlungsanleitung für eine verantwortungsbewusste Strategie in intellektuellen Auseinandersetzungen liefert. Zuhören, analysieren und argumentieren auf höchstem intellektuellem Niveau, ist was dieses Buch anbietet, Krav Maga für den Streit ums ganze sozusagen.
  • NDylanRay@aol.com
    5.0 out of 5 stars Useful Advice!
    Reviewed in France on September 19, 2019
    This eminently practical book really can be put to immediate use to make impossible conversations possible. Following its recommendations has changed the way I engage with people, and enabled me to have discussions I would not have been able to have before.
  • David Maywald
    5.0 out of 5 stars This book is a communication masterclass, for having meaningful conversations
    Reviewed in Australia on August 27, 2024
    This is a field guide for wisely and tactfully engaging in meaningful conversation. Not with the single goal of winning at all costs, but for the sake of productive and healthy relationships. It’s a modern approach to Epistemology, which is the philosophical study of the nature, origin, and limits of human knowledge. Written in 2019, quite balanced in it’s political orientation, and coming from a fascination about how we form beliefs…

    The book is practical and applied. It contains 36 techniques, from beginner/introductory through to master level, that will equip you to tackle conversational challenges.

    “Seemingly impossible conversations typically have one thing in common: they’re about moral beliefs rooted in one’s sense of identity, but they play out on the level of facts (or assertions, name-calling, grandstanding, threats, etc.)… Moral conversations are extremely difficult to navigate because moral beliefs are closely tied to issues of personal identity and community: that is, how one views oneself; what type of person one thinks one is; and how the participants in the conversation fit in with others in groups composed of members whose esteem they value… People often think moral issues are clear, with obvious answers, until their moral epistemology is challenged by targeted questions.”

    The techniques in this book are diverse and nuanced, as well as sometimes being counter-intuitive. Boghossian and Lindsay are quite objective in their narrative, not favouring any side nor outcome. This is not a dogmatic or an ideological book, it is a communication masterclass. They write:

    “Offering evidence – facts – almost never facilitates belief revision for any belief with moral, social, or identity-level salience… If your goal is to help your partner change her mind, which it probably is if you’re willing to enter debate mode and introduce facts, evidence, and careful arguments, then your attempt to talk her out of certain beliefs is more likely to talk her into them.”

    Certainly worth reading in-depth (and re-reading), especially for people who seek to influence and shape opinion...
    Customer image
    David Maywald
    5.0 out of 5 stars This book is a communication masterclass, for having meaningful conversations
    Reviewed in Australia on August 27, 2024
    This is a field guide for wisely and tactfully engaging in meaningful conversation. Not with the single goal of winning at all costs, but for the sake of productive and healthy relationships. It’s a modern approach to Epistemology, which is the philosophical study of the nature, origin, and limits of human knowledge. Written in 2019, quite balanced in it’s political orientation, and coming from a fascination about how we form beliefs…

    The book is practical and applied. It contains 36 techniques, from beginner/introductory through to master level, that will equip you to tackle conversational challenges.

    “Seemingly impossible conversations typically have one thing in common: they’re about moral beliefs rooted in one’s sense of identity, but they play out on the level of facts (or assertions, name-calling, grandstanding, threats, etc.)… Moral conversations are extremely difficult to navigate because moral beliefs are closely tied to issues of personal identity and community: that is, how one views oneself; what type of person one thinks one is; and how the participants in the conversation fit in with others in groups composed of members whose esteem they value… People often think moral issues are clear, with obvious answers, until their moral epistemology is challenged by targeted questions.”

    The techniques in this book are diverse and nuanced, as well as sometimes being counter-intuitive. Boghossian and Lindsay are quite objective in their narrative, not favouring any side nor outcome. This is not a dogmatic or an ideological book, it is a communication masterclass. They write:

    “Offering evidence – facts – almost never facilitates belief revision for any belief with moral, social, or identity-level salience… If your goal is to help your partner change her mind, which it probably is if you’re willing to enter debate mode and introduce facts, evidence, and careful arguments, then your attempt to talk her out of certain beliefs is more likely to talk her into them.”

    Certainly worth reading in-depth (and re-reading), especially for people who seek to influence and shape opinion...
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